different pulses in the same vein

sick again. and this time it immobilised me for an entire day, made me hand up my HT late, got my group presentation postponed, and finally i still have to take my german test. and after 2 packets of IV drip in the clinic yesterday, the anti-nausea jab left me a huge bruise on my arm that remains. i really don't appreciate this falling sick...though i do appreciate very much how it is at an ok time, and when there is help around. but every time i fall ill i feel it a betrayal of my body, and i'm a bit angry inside. though i could still appreciate the rest of the days when my body is actually functioning as it should i guess? and that i learn to be even more thankful for health.

i've been drifting around in the virtual world a bit these past two weeks, and was very disturbed and almost upheaved, until last weekend and how things settled down more within me. and now i'm still reading, but more at a distance, and still thinking if there's anything i could do about it that might help. and immediately i hear a voice that tells me sometimes people don't want help, they don't like the usually morally high platform help offers itself from. but then i want to say in response that i only think of helping precisely because i relate so much to all that, that i've felt like that before, that i've been there and i know it's not all pretty, that i know what it's like to be lonely.

but i don't trust myself in writing. the things that are too close to me i can't properly write about. i don't like the slightly melodramatic way i tend to write about things, because i don't want any reflexive art to be in it at all when it is all so true. that's why i've never so far been able to write about sq. i don't think i've completely come to terms with it yet. slowly my soul is understanding that it is okay, that we'll try to do what we can on this side, but sometimes it still cries because it just doesnt go. v told me that night i was crying that p mentioned once that we react so badly to death because our soul is eternal, and because it is eternal it finds difficulty being reconciled to the thought of death, which is an end of sorts. that's why it takes time to remember how death is not always an end. and i'm so scared that it might be, for some of the people closest to me.

my body betrays me, but i would want to trust my soul more. that is where i abide, most of the time.